Four years ago
today (April 12), one of my dearest friends asked me through text:
Pag matutulog ka na sa gabi (When you’re about to sleep at night) and
you know you are so alone, how do you feel?
I replied the next
day:
Sorry I wasn’t able
to reply last night. I had a patient,
then Sir Boy and others arrived. I read
the text at 5 a.m. when I was about to sleep.
I’ve felt alone for most of my life until recently, and I’ve lived alone
literally. Initially, it was very tough
being alone. There was longing to be
with someone, anyone who would keep me company and listen to my never-ending
ramblings. It got better though, and it
still gets better. I feel neutral verging
on happy when alone or sleeping alone at night.
I do feel sad occasionally especially when memories come barging in
without invitation. I live with the
notion that it is not my place in this world to be with someone; it is not my
place to be a politician or to be a chef or whatever else I’m not, not now
anyhow or maybe not ever. However, I do
believe it is my place to deal with destiny as I see fit. I somehow feel this is fate. I occasionally nurture the pain or whatever
negative emotions besiege me at night, but being alone doesn’t mean I have to
be lonely. Happiness is ALSO a
choice. And, it takes a lot of practice
choosing to be happy.
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