I'm Where I Belong

A Pilot, a Bird, and a Gay Doctor in His 50s

Tom Cruise plays Pete “Maverick” Mitchell in the 1986 film Top Gun.  I was in college when the film was shown here in the Philippines.  I had a big crush on Tom Cruise at the time.

Many years later, I was already openly gay then, I learned that Tom Cruise sued the people who questioned his sexuality.  Such homophobia didn’t sit well with me, so I stopped watching films he starred in.  I never saw any one of his Mission Impossible films even though he had Henry Cavill (Superman) in one of them.

I took exception with Top Gun: Maverick, the 2022 sequel to Top Gun.  It didn’t matter to me that I do not like Tom Cruise now.  What matters is for me to see how life has been for the character Maverick through the decades.  In 1986, I saw Maverick through the lens of a virgin on the cusp of discovering his true identity.  In 2022, I see Maverick through the eyes of a person who has made choices as Maverick has.

In Top Gun: Maverick, Maverick is still a captain when he’s supposed to be an admiral already like his contemporaries.  When asked by his superior why that is, he responds, “I’m where I belong.”  Being a captain allows Maverick to fly planes.  Being an admiral would see him do administrative work and that is not his cup of tea.

I have taken care of flyers through the years.  Flyers as in flying birds.  My pets.  Not pilots.  I do not recall having had sex with a pilot, although I wouldn’t be surprised if I had considering the hundreds of men I went to bed with.

Pets generally do not live as long as we do, and I’ve seen many of them pass away.

As of this writing, I have a dying pet bird I named Arcana.  Arcana is male by physical features, but since his breed (white-breasted woodswallow) is monomorphic the only way to definitely determine his sex is through DNA testing which Arcana never had.  I name my pets before acquiring them.  I have a male zebra finch I named Samantha (after Samantha Jones of the series Sex and the City).

I give my pet birds out-of-cage time regularly, so Arcana got to mingle with the crested mynas who attacked him.  You see, Arcana was already blind as a baby when I acquired him, so he couldn’t fend off the attack easily.  Arcana seemed comatose for 2 days until I treated him.  He recovered for around a week but went back to being lethargic later.  I gave away the crested mynas which I also handraised like Arcana.

During feeding time these days, Arcana would refuse to eat and would just stay perched on my left hand, mostly on the index finger, and would keep his head in either his left or right wing.  I would sing to him “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning,” the song interpreted by Carly Simon for the film Sleepless in Seattle.  Arcana would make noises and cry if I moved him away from my hand or if he thought I was away.  He would stay silently perched on my hand, seemingly content, as if saying, “I’m where I belong.”

Arcana is not the first bird to show such behavior.  I’ve had hundreds of flying birds as well.  My resume is filled not only with hundreds of spitting birds.

Seeing Arcana in his last moments reminds me of human patients dying as I declare their time of death.  Dying is an intimate moment reserved for loved ones, and it is a privilege for a doctor or a nurse to be part of such a remarkably terminal event.  As I stand aside while family members and friends grieve, I remind myself, “I’m where I belong.”

I didn’t do badly as a student.  I was the no. 1 in physics in my first semester of college (in Mapua, no less).  I was the no. 1 in biochemistry in medical school (that’s accidental, not intentional).  My classmates thought I would be someone big in the field of infectious diseases after graduation.  They also thought I would contract HIV and die from AIDS-related complications.  I never met their expectations.

I learned Classical Latin, Attic Greek and Biblical Hebrew on my own.  I can barely read an alphabet of Greek or Hebrew these days, but I still remember much of basic Latin, probably because much of English is derived from Latin.

I have classmates and friends who have IQs below sea level but who are now successful financially.  I have no wealth to speak of.  I just have hundreds of scale model cars, DVDs, and thousands upon thousands of books, and a “few” phones.  I haven’t seen a mobile phone I didn’t like – imagine Smeagol saying, “My precious.”

I didn’t become rich.  That’s by chance, a statistical probability.  I didn’t become a specialist.  That’s by choice, a statistical certainty.  I now practise medicine in a quaint little clinic in Quezon City where we see lots of patients every duty.  I do not own the clinic.  I’m just a reliever.

I had my own clinic from 2011 to 2016.  The government opened a free clinic that competed against mine.  I shut down my business while I could still laugh my way to the bank.

Maverick made tough choices along the way.  In the end, he got back with the love of his life, Penny Benjamin, and stayed where he belonged.  Penny never appears but is mentioned twice in Top Gun.

I’ve made my choices, too.  I got my heart broken, while breaking hearts (and crushing a few endowed men’s innocence) along the way.  I’ve made friends and enemies, possibly frenemies too.

Apparently, Top Gun: Maverick made me look back.  The film asks a question for us middle-aged and aged folks: How has life been?  I’d say life has been swell, for the most part.  However, I don’t see much of a future for me.  I think I’ll just be enjoying my golden years and beyond with what I have.

For now, as with Maverick and Arcana, “I’m where I belong.”

===

originally posted in a slightly different form on my Facebook wall in August 2022

Arcana passed away around a week after posting

Toys for Keeps

Adult content.  Please enjoy, and please be guided accordingly.

Lazada seems to be on sale for sex toys.  I’ve never seen dildoes (toy penises) priced at such a low price, possibly because the winter solstice is a season of food and getting heart attacks from eating too much.  In medical practice, though, we see more women giving birth in September and -ber months, indicating that December and cold winter months are conducive to sex.  We do see more heart attack cases in December and January due to unchecked diets.

Dildoes may be made of metal, rubber, etc.   A dildo and a vibrator are almost the same except a dildo is manually operated.  A vibrator is a battery- or electrically operated artificial penis.

I ordered a couple of dildoes from Lazada recently and realized I now have a collection of over 10 (collected over the years), some of which are gifts from friends.

Once I receive a dildo or brought home one, I’ll just use it once or twice, and it will likely stay in a box for a long time before being used or displayed again.

A sexually active (formerly sexually active, that is, because the pandemic made me pause) man like me practically has no need for dildoes since I get the real stuff when I’m on the prowl, unless I’m using one to play with my partner (and that rarely happens).  I do handcuff a partner now and then; handcuffs are a different set of toys (“behave if you don’t wanna get spanked” kind of toy).

I think a collector like me shall never stop collecting stuff I don’t need.  Because I’m a collector.  My thousands of books, hundreds of DVDs, hundreds of scale model cars, etc., tend to prove that.  Well, the books I need to learn and review stuff from.

My favorite dildo is a candle in the shape of a penis.  It’s my favorite because it was given to me by a dear friend over a decade ago, and that friend of mine died of a heart attack last year.  I shall always keep that penis with me (not inside me, of course).

In a lifetime of collecting, I think the best collections are the ones given by friends or the ones purchased with them.

Bananas

I was given loads (kilos and kilos) of bananas, apart from other gifts, by patients on my duty (December 21, 2022).

With the pandemic waning, I imagine seeing a different kind of banana, the kind that stands to attention when held, the kind that spits when angry.  It’s the kind we call “maginoo pero bastos” (gentlemanly but brash).

There will come soft tumescence and milky showers.  Soon.

 

 

Do You Remember Your First Time?

Adult content.  Please enjoy, and please be guided accordingly.

First Ferris wheel ride.  First kiss.  First b***job.

I can not remember any of these clearly, but I remember a particular fellatio I performed that made me acknowledge a medical condition I have: asthma.

Around a decade ago, I was giving head to a guy with an average dick but with a particularly rock hard tumescence any gay man would want to sink his teeth into (a hard man is good to find).

Such size was not in any way challenging to me, but I noticed coming up for air and gasping for breath.  I paused and observed my breathing.  I had been feeling uncomfortable days before then, but that was the only time I took a pause to really assess myself.  Auscultation revealed wheezes.  I was already in my 40s then.

My professor in pediatric pulmonology told the class that he developed asthma when he was already a lung specialist.  Aging really gives us unwelcome gifts sometimes.

Oh well, you know what they say: All great beauties must sacrifice.  My tongue and fingers and years of experience still rule, but I have to limit their power to make a man forget his name.

I miss giving head, and getting one.  I miss Big Bert and Little John and volting in.  Oh I wish for this pandemic to be over soon.

==

originally published on my Facebook wall in September 2022

 

An Adventurous Day

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Expensive Pen Brands

 Aurora is the most expensive pen brand in the world.

Or, is it?

Every year, Aurora produces Aurora Diamante priced at $1.47 million.  Some Web sites say Aurora Diamante is priced at $1.7 million.  It holds the no. 1 spot as the most expensive pen if Montblanc doesn’t have a new limited edition pen.

Most Web sites say Montblanc’s most expensive is the Boheme Royal priced at $1.5 million.  Montblanc’s most expensive pen is the Taj Mahal priced at $2 million, followed by the Great Wall (of China) priced at a few thousand dollars less than $2 million.

It is arguable which is the most expensive pen brand in the world, brand being the operative word.  It is inarguable, however, that the most expensive pen – pen, not pen brand – in the world is Tibaldi’s Fulgor Nocturnus sold straight to a Shanghai auction in 2010 for $8 million.  No pen from whatever company has dislodged the Fulgor Nocturnus from the no. 1 spot since 2010, so far.

My goodness $8 million; why not just get a brand new Ferrari or Lamborghini car?  Fulgor Nocturnus is relatively low maintenance; it won’t rack up maintenance fees the way a Ferrari or a Lamborghini will.

Montblanc owned Tibaldi from 2000 to 2009.  Tibaldi was already owned by Montegrappa when it released the Fulgor Nocturnus.

Montegrappa pens are also quite pricey, and Montegrappa’s Ancient Mexican Civilisations Rollerball Pen belongs to one of the top 10 most expensive pen lists in the Net.¹

Another pen brand that produces million-dollar pens is Caran d’Ache whose 1010 Diamond Edition is priced at around $1 million (different Web sites give different prices for the same pen).

Tibaldi, Montblanc, Aurora, Caran d’Ache, and Montegrappa all have “affordable” variants, especially Caran d’Ache which has pens priced at only ₱100+ available at National Book Store, Philippines.

The cheapest pen of Montblanc is more expensive than the cheapest variant of the other brands aforementioned.  Around first week of November 2022, Montblanc’s cheapest variant in the Philippines was priced at ₱14,100.  The price jumped to ₱16,200 a week later.  I doubt a price reversal would occur after the holidays.

So, which is the most expensive pen brand in the world?²  Tibaldi?  Montblanc?  Aurora?  Caran d’Ache?

And, what is the classiest (not most expensive) pen brand in the world?

I think the answer to that is subjective.  What one considers classy may be second-rate to another.  I, for one, gravitate towards Cross even though Cross never sold a pen amounting to a million dollars.

Notes

¹”Top 10 Most Expensive Pens.”  Catawiki.  N.d.  Web.  <https://www.catawiki.com/en/stories/4947-top-10-most-expensive-pens>.

²Prices and top positions may have changed at the time of this piece’s publication.  While I consider Tibaldi to be above Montblanc and any other pen brand currently in existence, I do think (though still arguable) that Montblanc is the most famous luxury pen brand in the world.

An Arrow to the Heart

This afternoon (12 July 2021), while I was talking to a patient, the staff asked me to see an elderly woman who came in because of difficulty breathing.  The old woman was accompanied by her daughter-in-law.

 

I interrupted the consultation with my current patient and approached the old woman.

 

I listened to her lungs and noted crackles all over.  Pneumonia.  She had the look of distress painted all over her.

 

I told the woman to seek emergency care.  Oral medications alone would not help her.  I also suspected COVID-19 but never told the old woman about that possibility.  She was in enough distress as it was.

 

As the old woman prepared to go out the door, she turned her head towards me, smiled, and waved goodbye.

 

I felt that she was waving goodbye not just to me but to the world as well.  I doubt that I would ever see her again, and that breaks my heart.

 

==

 

originally published on my Facebook wall on date indicated