I'm Where I Belong

A Pilot, a Bird, and a Gay Doctor in His 50s

Tom Cruise plays Pete “Maverick” Mitchell in the 1986 film Top Gun.  I was in college when the film was shown here in the Philippines.  I had a big crush on Tom Cruise at the time.

Many years later, I was already openly gay then, I learned that Tom Cruise sued the people who questioned his sexuality.  Such homophobia didn’t sit well with me, so I stopped watching films he starred in.  I never saw any one of his Mission Impossible films even though he had Henry Cavill (Superman) in one of them.

I took exception with Top Gun: Maverick, the 2022 sequel to Top Gun.  It didn’t matter to me that I do not like Tom Cruise now.  What matters is for me to see how life has been for the character Maverick through the decades.  In 1986, I saw Maverick through the lens of a virgin on the cusp of discovering his true identity.  In 2022, I see Maverick through the eyes of a person who has made choices as Maverick has.

In Top Gun: Maverick, Maverick is still a captain when he’s supposed to be an admiral already like his contemporaries.  When asked by his superior why that is, he responds, “I’m where I belong.”  Being a captain allows Maverick to fly planes.  Being an admiral would see him do administrative work and that is not his cup of tea.

I have taken care of flyers through the years.  Flyers as in flying birds.  My pets.  Not pilots.  I do not recall having had sex with a pilot, although I wouldn’t be surprised if I had considering the hundreds of men I went to bed with.

Pets generally do not live as long as we do, and I’ve seen many of them pass away.

As of this writing, I have a dying pet bird I named Arcana.  Arcana is male by physical features, but since his breed (white-breasted woodswallow) is monomorphic the only way to definitely determine his sex is through DNA testing which Arcana never had.  I name my pets before acquiring them.  I have a male zebra finch I named Samantha (after Samantha Jones of the series Sex and the City).

I give my pet birds out-of-cage time regularly, so Arcana got to mingle with the crested mynas who attacked him.  You see, Arcana was already blind as a baby when I acquired him, so he couldn’t fend off the attack easily.  Arcana seemed comatose for 2 days until I treated him.  He recovered for around a week but went back to being lethargic later.  I gave away the crested mynas which I also handraised like Arcana.

During feeding time these days, Arcana would refuse to eat and would just stay perched on my left hand, mostly on the index finger, and would keep his head in either his left or right wing.  I would sing to him “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning,” the song interpreted by Carly Simon for the film Sleepless in Seattle.  Arcana would make noises and cry if I moved him away from my hand or if he thought I was away.  He would stay silently perched on my hand, seemingly content, as if saying, “I’m where I belong.”

Arcana is not the first bird to show such behavior.  I’ve had hundreds of flying birds as well.  My resume is filled not only with hundreds of spitting birds.

Seeing Arcana in his last moments reminds me of human patients dying as I declare their time of death.  Dying is an intimate moment reserved for loved ones, and it is a privilege for a doctor or a nurse to be part of such a remarkably terminal event.  As I stand aside while family members and friends grieve, I remind myself, “I’m where I belong.”

I didn’t do badly as a student.  I was the no. 1 in physics in my first semester of college (in Mapua, no less).  I was the no. 1 in biochemistry in medical school (that’s accidental, not intentional).  My classmates thought I would be someone big in the field of infectious diseases after graduation.  They also thought I would contract HIV and die from AIDS-related complications.  I never met their expectations.

I learned Classical Latin, Attic Greek and Biblical Hebrew on my own.  I can barely read an alphabet of Greek or Hebrew these days, but I still remember much of basic Latin, probably because much of English is derived from Latin.

I have classmates and friends who have IQs below sea level but who are now successful financially.  I have no wealth to speak of.  I just have hundreds of scale model cars, DVDs, and thousands upon thousands of books, and a “few” phones.  I haven’t seen a mobile phone I didn’t like – imagine Smeagol saying, “My precious.”

I didn’t become rich.  That’s by chance, a statistical probability.  I didn’t become a specialist.  That’s by choice, a statistical certainty.  I now practise medicine in a quaint little clinic in Quezon City where we see lots of patients every duty.  I do not own the clinic.  I’m just a reliever.

I had my own clinic from 2011 to 2016.  The government opened a free clinic that competed against mine.  I shut down my business while I could still laugh my way to the bank.

Maverick made tough choices along the way.  In the end, he got back with the love of his life, Penny Benjamin, and stayed where he belonged.  Penny never appears but is mentioned twice in Top Gun.

I’ve made my choices, too.  I got my heart broken, while breaking hearts (and crushing a few endowed men’s innocence) along the way.  I’ve made friends and enemies, possibly frenemies too.

Apparently, Top Gun: Maverick made me look back.  The film asks a question for us middle-aged and aged folks: How has life been?  I’d say life has been swell, for the most part.  However, I don’t see much of a future for me.  I think I’ll just be enjoying my golden years and beyond with what I have.

For now, as with Maverick and Arcana, “I’m where I belong.”

===

originally posted in a slightly different form on my Facebook wall in August 2022

Arcana passed away around a week after posting

Toys for Keeps

Adult content.  Please enjoy, and please be guided accordingly.

Lazada seems to be on sale for sex toys.  I’ve never seen dildoes (toy penises) priced at such a low price, possibly because the winter solstice is a season of food and getting heart attacks from eating too much.  In medical practice, though, we see more women giving birth in September and -ber months, indicating that December and cold winter months are conducive to sex.  We do see more heart attack cases in December and January due to unchecked diets.

Dildoes may be made of metal, rubber, etc.   A dildo and a vibrator are almost the same except a dildo is manually operated.  A vibrator is a battery- or electrically operated artificial penis.

I ordered a couple of dildoes from Lazada recently and realized I now have a collection of over 10 (collected over the years), some of which are gifts from friends.

Once I receive a dildo or brought home one, I’ll just use it once or twice, and it will likely stay in a box for a long time before being used or displayed again.

A sexually active (formerly sexually active, that is, because the pandemic made me pause) man like me practically has no need for dildoes since I get the real stuff when I’m on the prowl, unless I’m using one to play with my partner (and that rarely happens).  I do handcuff a partner now and then; handcuffs are a different set of toys (“behave if you don’t wanna get spanked” kind of toy).

I think a collector like me shall never stop collecting stuff I don’t need.  Because I’m a collector.  My thousands of books, hundreds of DVDs, hundreds of scale model cars, etc., tend to prove that.  Well, the books I need to learn and review stuff from.

My favorite dildo is a candle in the shape of a penis.  It’s my favorite because it was given to me by a dear friend over a decade ago, and that friend of mine died of a heart attack last year.  I shall always keep that penis with me (not inside me, of course).

In a lifetime of collecting, I think the best collections are the ones given by friends or the ones purchased with them.

Bananas

I was given loads (kilos and kilos) of bananas, apart from other gifts, by patients on my duty (December 21, 2022).

With the pandemic waning, I imagine seeing a different kind of banana, the kind that stands to attention when held, the kind that spits when angry.  It’s the kind we call “maginoo pero bastos” (gentlemanly but brash).

There will come soft tumescence and milky showers.  Soon.

 

 

Do You Remember Your First Time?

Adult content.  Please enjoy, and please be guided accordingly.

First Ferris wheel ride.  First kiss.  First b***job.

I can not remember any of these clearly, but I remember a particular fellatio I performed that made me acknowledge a medical condition I have: asthma.

Around a decade ago, I was giving head to a guy with an average dick but with a particularly rock hard tumescence any gay man would want to sink his teeth into (a hard man is good to find).

Such size was not in any way challenging to me, but I noticed coming up for air and gasping for breath.  I paused and observed my breathing.  I had been feeling uncomfortable days before then, but that was the only time I took a pause to really assess myself.  Auscultation revealed wheezes.  I was already in my 40s then.

My professor in pediatric pulmonology told the class that he developed asthma when he was already a lung specialist.  Aging really gives us unwelcome gifts sometimes.

Oh well, you know what they say: All great beauties must sacrifice.  My tongue and fingers and years of experience still rule, but I have to limit their power to make a man forget his name.

I miss giving head, and getting one.  I miss Big Bert and Little John and volting in.  Oh I wish for this pandemic to be over soon.

==

originally published on my Facebook wall in September 2022

 

An Adventurous Day

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Expensive Pen Brands

 Aurora is the most expensive pen brand in the world.

Or, is it?

Every year, Aurora produces Aurora Diamante priced at $1.47 million.  Some Web sites say Aurora Diamante is priced at $1.7 million.  It holds the no. 1 spot as the most expensive pen if Montblanc doesn’t have a new limited edition pen.

Most Web sites say Montblanc’s most expensive is the Boheme Royal priced at $1.5 million.  Montblanc’s most expensive pen is the Taj Mahal priced at $2 million, followed by the Great Wall (of China) priced at a few thousand dollars less than $2 million.

It is arguable which is the most expensive pen brand in the world, brand being the operative word.  It is inarguable, however, that the most expensive pen – pen, not pen brand – in the world is Tibaldi’s Fulgor Nocturnus sold straight to a Shanghai auction in 2010 for $8 million.  No pen from whatever company has dislodged the Fulgor Nocturnus from the no. 1 spot since 2010, so far.

My goodness $8 million; why not just get a brand new Ferrari or Lamborghini car?  Fulgor Nocturnus is relatively low maintenance; it won’t rack up maintenance fees the way a Ferrari or a Lamborghini will.

Montblanc owned Tibaldi from 2000 to 2009.  Tibaldi was already owned by Montegrappa when it released the Fulgor Nocturnus.

Montegrappa pens are also quite pricey, and Montegrappa’s Ancient Mexican Civilisations Rollerball Pen belongs to one of the top 10 most expensive pen lists in the Net.¹

Another pen brand that produces million-dollar pens is Caran d’Ache whose 1010 Diamond Edition is priced at around $1 million (different Web sites give different prices for the same pen).

Tibaldi, Montblanc, Aurora, Caran d’Ache, and Montegrappa all have “affordable” variants, especially Caran d’Ache which has pens priced at only ₱100+ available at National Book Store, Philippines.

The cheapest pen of Montblanc is more expensive than the cheapest variant of the other brands aforementioned.  Around first week of November 2022, Montblanc’s cheapest variant in the Philippines was priced at ₱14,100.  The price jumped to ₱16,200 a week later.  I doubt a price reversal would occur after the holidays.

So, which is the most expensive pen brand in the world?²  Tibaldi?  Montblanc?  Aurora?  Caran d’Ache?

And, what is the classiest (not most expensive) pen brand in the world?

I think the answer to that is subjective.  What one considers classy may be second-rate to another.  I, for one, gravitate towards Cross even though Cross never sold a pen amounting to a million dollars.

Notes

¹”Top 10 Most Expensive Pens.”  Catawiki.  N.d.  Web.  <https://www.catawiki.com/en/stories/4947-top-10-most-expensive-pens>.

²Prices and top positions may have changed at the time of this piece’s publication.  While I consider Tibaldi to be above Montblanc and any other pen brand currently in existence, I do think (though still arguable) that Montblanc is the most famous luxury pen brand in the world.

An Arrow to the Heart

This afternoon (12 July 2021), while I was talking to a patient, the staff asked me to see an elderly woman who came in because of difficulty breathing.  The old woman was accompanied by her daughter-in-law.

 

I interrupted the consultation with my current patient and approached the old woman.

 

I listened to her lungs and noted crackles all over.  Pneumonia.  She had the look of distress painted all over her.

 

I told the woman to seek emergency care.  Oral medications alone would not help her.  I also suspected COVID-19 but never told the old woman about that possibility.  She was in enough distress as it was.

 

As the old woman prepared to go out the door, she turned her head towards me, smiled, and waved goodbye.

 

I felt that she was waving goodbye not just to me but to the world as well.  I doubt that I would ever see her again, and that breaks my heart.

 

==

 

originally published on my Facebook wall on date indicated

 

Lowborns and Monarchs

A photograph of the late Elizabeth II imposed on the Sydney Opera House looks beautiful, to say the least.  And, my reaction was, “Oh my, lowborns and thieves are celebrated while a hungry child is left to die.”

Elizabeth II, who passed away recently, is the longest reigning monarch in British history.

I have nothing against Elizabeth per se.  She will always be, somehow, endearing to me because she signed the gay marriage into law in the United Kingdom, although she was fully booked and missed her gay cousin’s wedding. 

Elizabeth deserves the love and accolades of her loved ones, but does she deserve the love of the people, her so-called subjects?  Did she really care for them?  If she did, she would have dissolved the monarchy and given back the wealth that rightfully belongs to the people. 

I wouldn’t be surprised though if Elizabeth or any incumbent monarch today knew of families or forces within, even outside, their circle who would kill them before they could sign the dissolution of monarchy.  These monarchists would lose influence with the dissolution of monarchy and would go to extreme measures to keep themselves in power.  I expect a parent who happens to be a monarch will do everything in their power to keep their children and bloodline alive. 

Monarchies and nobilities are evil forms of government.  A society where people are categorized into royal, noble, and commoner is not a fair society. 

A lot of horror stories litter royal history (of any country).  I’m particularly enchanted by the tyranny of Henry Tudor a.k.a. Henry VIII who sired Elizabeth I.  Henry was known for beheading his wives.  England was under absolute monarchy then.  It is under constitutional monarchy now.  During Henry’s rule, England separated from the Catholic Church and Henry established his own Church of England of which the head is the reigning monarch.  Currently, the head of Church of England is Charles III, the firstborn of Elizabeth II. 

Why did Henry separate from the Catholic Church?  Because the pope did not grant his petition to annul his marriage to Catherine of Aragon, and likely, because kings are under the rule of the pope and the delusional king wanted to be numero uno.  The wealth sequestered from the de-established Catholic churches went to the pockets of Henry and his minions. 

Henry VIII is the also the father of Mary I, half-sister of Elizabeth I.  Mary is known today as Bloody Mary because she ordered the killings of Protestants.  Mary was a devout Catholic who reversed the religious reforms of her father when she ascended the throne.  When Elizabeth II replaced Mary, she then bloodied her reign by persecuting Catholics. 

Historical fictionist Philippa Gregory wrote about Henry and his wives.  I like how Gregory empowered Anne of Cleves, one of Henry’s wives who didn’t get decapitated. 

The life of Henry was also fictionalized in the drama series The Tudors with the dashing Henry Cavill playing the tyrant’s best friend. 

Under a monarchy, a person born into a royal or noble family is gifted with properties and things they didn’t work hard for.  Emperors, queens, princesses, et al., are under permanent welfare, while someone who is called commoner needs to apply for welfare if they can not afford to sustain themselves.  A hungry child from a poor family is left to die, while a princess gets a visit from fairy godmothers. 

Between Catherine “Kate” Middleton and William Windsor (son of Diana and Charles III), William is the lowborn and Kate is the highborn.  Why?  Because Kate’s family came to wealth by their own hard work, while William lived off people’s money.  William is cute, inheriting his mother’s good looks, and Kate calls him “Big Willy.”  H’m.  William must pack a royal dick ready to rumble. 

Elizabeth II’s father was not the heir to the throne; he was the spare.  The throne went to Elizabeth’s father because her uncle, Edward VIII, fell in love with Wallis Simpson, an American divorcee, which caused legal troubles for Edward leading to his abdication of the throne.  Edward VIII’s abdication speech is available online.  Quite a lovely speech. 

Between any person and an emperor (or any member of royal and noble families), the emperor is the lowborn because he steals from the people all his life. 

Titles earned by birth (emperor, baron, earl, countess, etc.) are forms of legalized discrimination.  A person not born into a royal or noble household is raised to think they do not deserve better.  Put another way: A person born into a royal or noble household is raised to think they are above most people in the country and/or in the world.  Is that really a good kind of government? 

A man from a lower caste system in India sat on where the people above his rank sat and got killed for doing so.  Monarchies and caste systems are not exactly the same but they are not much different from each other in that they promote the idea that some people are born above others.  Ancient Rome much? 

Monarchies promote good governance on paper but engender superiority complexes including murderous behavior in practice.  Absolute monarchies still exist, and they still murder people for being gay. 

In some monarchies, whether absolute or constitutional, it is illegal to criticize the rulers, e.g., Thailand.  In fairness, this nonsensical law can also be found in non-monarchial countries like Venezuela.  A leader who can not take criticism is not a good leader. 

Under a democracy, we can become leaders ourselves regardless of families of origin.  Democracy has its faults, of course.  Look at what happened to us Filipinos in the recent national elections: A scion of an ousted president is back in power.  I sure hope that the reign of current President Bongbong Marcos does not result in historical revisionism, not more than there already is, that is.  The sin of the father is not the sin of the son, and I sure hope for the son not to repeat his father’s atrocities.  We’ll see. 

Communism looks good on paper but is ominous in practice.  While I honestly prefer communism over monarchy, I do not wish for the royal families to suffer like the Romanovs of Russia did.  Murdering the royals is never an option.  A number of countries removed monarchies without killing the bloodline.  It was not exactly an easy journey for the exiled or ousted royals, though. 

It is curious why communism succeeded in China but failed in Russia.  Communism in China started with the people.  The peasants had a say in politics and government.  They mattered.  Communism in Russia was Bolshevik-ed into existence without appealing to the people first. 

Before communism fully gained prominence in Russia, the last czar, Nicholas II, was forced to abdicate and was subsequently killed by Bolshevik revolutionaries.  The murder of Nicholas II and his family spun a tale of suspense for the possible survival of one of the Romanovs, the Grand Duchess Anastasia.  Through the decades, impostors presented themselves as Anastasia and works of literature including films fictionalized her story of survival.  A corpse was found matching the DNA of the Romanovs, ending the possibility of Anastasia’s survival. 

To be honest though, people in countries under monarchies like Japan (the oldest continuous monarchy in the world) and United Kingdom lead better lives than Filipinos do under a democracy.  Why is that?  Corruption?  Colonial mentality?  H’m. 

For some reason, I can imagine myself living in Communist China but not in Imperial Japan or Royal Thailand.  I can visit monarchial countries, but I can not live there because I just can not see myself curtsying to a lowborn like [insert name of legally ordained royal or noble person here].

Food of Remembrance, Taste of Nostalgia

A scent, a song, a sight, a movie and that plaintive music [they] can send us back to the past.  So can the taste of good food and drinks.

The first siomai I ever loved was the one from Wah Yuen Restaurant along Escolta near Lyric Theater.  When I was in grade school, Sunday was movie day for my family of origin.  We would go to King’s Theater in Chinatown for action Chinese movies, to East Cinema for Chinese drama and romcoms, then we would usually have dinner at New Nation Restaurant, but other restaurants were also tried and visited regularly – Ling Nam Restaurant and Wah Yuen among them.

Later on, I had a taste of another heavenly (or deadly if you have clogged arteries) siomai from a restaurant along Ongpin Street called Maxim’s Tea House. Maxim’s later became MXT but is now known as Mei Sum.  The name changed but the location remains the same.  There was a time Maxim’s could be found in SM supermall food courts.  To this day,  Maxim’s/Mei Sum’s pork siomai is my favorite siomai.  David’s Tea House, President, Causeway, even Chowking, also have great-tasting siomai.

When I was young, I never liked the appearance of hamburgers so I avoided eating them.  One movie night with my favorite aunt changed that.  Auntie Lolly bought Cindys burgers for us to eat while watching a movie along Avenida, Manila.

When I first tasted that utterly delectable Cindys burger, I knew I would be loving burgers until I get a heart attack or until the day I die, whichever comes first.

I remember developing hyperacidity when I was a teenager.  Of the many cola brands, I mostly drank Coke in my teens.

I was sipping Coke while nursing a broken heart.  It felt like Coke’s ribbon logo tied a knot in my heart that wanted to kill me.  That probably started my tummy’s strong hyperacidity when drinking Coke and other soft drinks, especially dark-colored ones like Coke.

I do not drink soda as often as I used to, but when I do, I relish the taste of young love and acid going up my throat.  Coke is it!

There are many great-tasting pizzas nowadays.  It’s difficult to choose which one tastes better.  One pizza, however, stands out for me apparently because of its association with my childhood.

When I was a child, one of my older siblings would bring me to Shakey’s. There was no Pizza Hut then, no Papa John’s, no Yellow Cab, etc.  Of the vehicles we had, from Mercedes Benz to 18-wheeler trucks, my sibling preferred to drive the Willys Jeep and the owner-type jeep on our way to Shakey’s.

I’d learned to look forward to eating other pizza brands later in life because of Shakey’s.  The stark contrast between bell peppers and bruises got stuck in the emporium of my gustatory memories.  Shakey’s somehow provided a taste of hope in an oftentimes dark world.  In my young mind, the song “Someone’s Waiting for You” from the Disney film The Rescuers teamed up with Shakey’s – a song of longing and a taste of belonging.

To recap: Siomai, hamburger, Coke, and pizza – the unnecessary use of these products may be dangerous to your health.

There will be other fluids and food recipes to taste.  I doubt that I have tried or shall be able to try them all.  These days, I regularly get food gifts from patients that I sometimes feel like a pig for slaughter.  I always appreciate the food gifts, though, and never fail to share savory meals with colleagues.

Aging limits the kind of food we can and should eat.  But, it has never stopped me from gratifying my taste buds.  There’s really not much to do in my golden years except to go on trips down memory lane… with a Coke and a smile, enjoying life’s variant flavors.

Thank you for your indulgence.