I have been obsessing with
the historical Hadrian and Antinous for quite some time now. I re-viewed the 2013 film Burning Blue, and the film triggered
opening the void that Antinous set in motion.
I realize I can still be vulnerable.
I expect we all are vulnerable intermittently and unpredictably throughout
our lives. The tragic ending of Antinous
and Trent Ford’s heartfelt portrayal in Burning
Blue gave me a sense of longing for a faceless someone I can only know by
heart.
I never had to tell myself,
“I do not need anyone,” because I have felt that way for a long time without having
to express or repress it.
However, I do occasionally feel
the need to embrace someone, like a tender typhoon mercilessly uprooting a
house and mercifully slaughtering its inhabitants, sparing them prolonged
agony.
I do not feel the need to be
loved per se. I get enough from people
and animals around me. But ever so
occasionally, I feel the need to be in love.
In love, not to be loved, as in someone to take care of (not someone to
take care of me) the way I have taken care of my pets through the decades,
although I would not mind someone facing my tender typhoon head-on with his
tranquil tsunami.
I feel the need to be in
love. I endure the ghost of such an
emotion until it fades (and fade it will for sure)… until the next haunting.
