9 May
2005
Dearly
Beloved,
If I’m
not mistaken, Lily’s first boyfriend is Fred.
They became steady when we were in third year high school. When our senior year started, the two had
broken up.
Lily
was 1 year ahead of me in grade school.
I’m hazy on the details, but I think she stopped schooling. She returned and became my classmate on the
fifth grade.
Fred
transferred to our school, as far as I remember, when we were froshies. Fred was the only pure Filipino student in
our batch. Most of us were from Chinese
ancestry.
On our
senior year, Fred was seated in front of me.
Lily was a column away behind me.
Fred became a good friend. He
became aware of my intimacy with Lily and told me that he wanted Lily to be
with me more than with anybody else (other than himself, of course).
Lily
and I never became official. It was one
of those MUs (malabong usapan or
mutual unclearness). People – or
probably I – just assumed we were steady.
Lily
and I were not exactly in good terms during prom season, so she dated somebody
else during prom night. I can not recall
who went out with me that night. I think
I went solo. I do not remember Fred’s
date either. Selective amnesia rules.
Lily
and I were in good terms come graduation time.
We continuously communicated via phone at least once a month for 2
years while in college. She finished
Interior Design in an exclusive school for girls.
Fred
kept in touch with her too (intermittently or continuously, I never asked).
I
stopped calling Lily on a regular basis when I became aware of my
homosexuality. It was a struggle I felt
I had to face alone. We were nearly
through with second year college (1988), and my true identity was catching up
on me.
In
1991, I met Fred on a regular basis at the university because his girlfriend,
Beatrice, was my schoolmate. Beatrice is deaf-mute and lived a few houses away
from Fred’s. Beatrice belongs to the
first batch of deaf-mutes to earn a certificate in accountancy in our
school. In the same year, I fell in love
with a man for the first time. That man
is Tom, also deaf-mute and Beatrice’s batchmate.
Beatrice
became my good friend because of Fred, and I told her about my emotions for
Tom. She distanced herself from me when
she began her affair with Tom (while going steady with Fred). I never told Fred because I knew he would
notice soon enough.
Before
Tom and Beatrice graduated, Beatrice broke up with Fred to be with Tom. Tom and Beatrice now live abroad. My love for Tom was unrequited.
On 10 January
1993, I met Lily and Penny at McDonald’s Grand Central. We stayed at the far end of the food
chain. I asked Lily to come alone. I was totally surprised to see Penny. I met Lily to confirm that we did have an MU
and to tell her about my homosexuality.
She accepted me as I am, although Penny said that they had thought I
asked to meet Lily to ask for her hand in marriage. I apologized for the disappointment.
Fred,
as mentioned earlier, kept in touch with Lily.
I learned a long time ago not to ask Lily about her love life.
In the
mid-1990s, especially while I attended medical school, Lily, Penny, Mark, and I
would go out on weekends. In high
school, Lily and Penny belonged to a clique called Pink Ladies. Mark was one of my closest friends. Penny and Mark, never romantically involved
in high school, fell in love and married in the year 2000. They now have two children. During those weekends, I told Mark about my
plan to propose a domestic partnership (not marriage) to Lily where she would
bear my children while we pursued separate love lives. I never approached Lily about that matter
because she deserved better. She has no
idea to this day.
In
September 2004, I attended a medical mission in Quezon City organized by a
Chinese foundation where Lily was a volunteer.
One of Lily’s friends at the foundation asked her if I was the one. I saw that woman at the wedding.
Late
April this year, Lily invited me through text to attend an unspecified
gathering on May 8. I was supposed to be
on duty. She told me to take a leave or
“magagalit ako sa iyo (I will get mad
at you).” I asked her if it’s her
wedding or her child’s baptismal. “Basta (just go),” was her reply.
Three
days before the wedding, I asked her where the gathering would take place. San Agustin Church 7:00 p.m. I knew then she would get married. I was not sure if Fred was the lucky
guy. Lily hid her relationship with Fred
in high school from her family because Fred is not Chinese.
When
my and Fred’s eyes connected for the first time outside San Agustin Church, I
approached and congratulated him. He
said, “Sorry ha. I will take something
away from you.” We laughed at that.
At
7:51 p.m. Philippine Standard Time, Lily walked the aisle as the music played
on. I did not stand up. I wanted her to walk undistracted (as if I
could distract her from her big moment).
As she passed me, butterflies were released from either side. People cheered. Three butterflies nestled on the train of Lily’s
wedding dress. At the time, I felt that the three butterflies whispered my last "I love you" to her.
While
Lily and Fred said “I do,” I imagined Lily as a goddess much like Aphrodite,
and the image of a missile landing on the back of Fred’s head suddenly flashed
in my mind. Where did that come from?
Lily
saw me for the first time that night during the picture taking at the
altar. I gave Lily a peck on the cheek
as Fred looked on.
During
the reception at Father Blanco’s Garden, Mark told me teasingly that Lily is the
one who got away. Only Zeny, among those
invited by Lily, knew that Lily would marry Fred. Zeny has been Lily’s confidante since even
before the Pink Ladies. Penny, Mark and
I found out who the groom was on the wedding day itself. Penny vacillated between Fred and me.
There
was a mixture of pain and happiness when I heard Lily and Fred exchange
vows. Something in me wanted to
cry. I was/am happy for Lily. Fred is a good man worthy of her. There was pain because the fantasy that Lily
would grow old with me as a longtime friend would not be fully realized. She would have Fred to grow old with, both as
a friend and a lover. But, that’s my
selfishness rearing its ugly head.
I
think that with Lily’s marriage went my heterosexual aspect. She is the only “lover” that I loved the
longest, and with tenderness. I actually
asked myself if it’s [my] internalized homophobia that clings to a heterosexual
past. But, my heart says love knows no
gender, whatever one’s sexual preference.
For
some reason, I’m still reeling from Lily’s wedding. I’ll be fine, and always be Gay and Proud for
the world to love or hate.
Lily
is the only woman I was willing to give up the world for. Once upon a time.
Yours
truly,
Robert Baytan
===
The letter was sent to
friends via e-mail on noted date. One of
the recipients was my editor at L
magazine, so the letter was published in L
in 2005. The names had been changed, of
course.
